My little big story

I had never held a tablet before last April.

Since I was a child I had always drawn on paper with pencils, pens, chalks and whatever happened to me, even with nail polish, but never with a tablet.

I often had to hide in order to draw...

...for my father seemed like a waste of time and consequently he forbade me to’ do it, but my passion was stronger and I found any trick to do it.

Now I’m 24 and things between me and him aren’t much improved, the only constant was the commitment I’ve always made to keep my will alive, anyway.

Around 14 years old I started to show my small works to family and friends and seemed to really appreciate them, and the more they complimented me the more I felt capable.

But you know...

...as the stimuli that the world offers are so many and so little at a time I walked away from that road, I enrolled in University and starting to compare myself with other people I told myself that in the end my father was right, that I wasn’t very good at it and that I wouldn’t have any hope of getting noticed in a world full of successful artists...

...so between a failed exam, various problems related to my family and other things to think about, I abandoned the drawing.

I felt empty and without a purpose, as if having removed the drawing from my life I had taken off the road by myself from under my feet.

I was trapped in a bubble, which I had self-created and I could no longer hear or see anything like before, I was muffled...

When everything seems lost, life gives you another chance, and just when I thought I’d finally give up drawing, college and start another life on some lost island in the Philippines, I met a person who has completely changed my way of thinking, who has opened my eyes and mind to many things and who has become with time my boyfriend.

Thanks to him, little by little, I started to believe in myself again a bit and the desire to create, express myself, experiment, describe reality through my way of seeing began to emerge again and so I started to draw again.

All those emotions that for years I had kept locked inside my bubble exploded, poured first on paper and then on tablets and that was a real discovery.

I started experimenting with new tools, brushes, new styles until I created a small collection, my first collection entitled "Big Eyes Women" (which speaks a bit about me, a bit of all women in general) and I put it online and with my great amazement liked it!

So I jumped headlong to create, create, create.... create another collection in no time and then another, until I had more collections than ideas...

But it was all confused, faded, impulsive and without a precise objective and as expected I had no feedback from the other published collection...

I had a setback so bad, I doubted I’d give it up again.

My father did not support me again.

I realized that before working on my art, I had to work on myself, what was stopping me? What was I afraid of? I was afraid of other people’s judgments?

I stopped again.

I was afraid of losing, but what? Losing inspiration? The confidence in myself?

I should have sent other collections online but I didn’t, and this caused a rupture in me, I continued to doubt, to ask questions I could not answer and not answering I remained stuck, I was closing in the bubble, I felt it...

Then one day I decided to face the part of me insecure, oscillating, that made me doubt and waver at every step and only then I realized that the problem was not my father, friends, society, excellent artists...

The problem was me.

I was my own brake and my accelerator, I had all the cards in order to make it, only that I didn’t know how to use them.

I embarked on a long journey within myself, which I am still walking through today, because doubts are always around the corner, but learning to recognize my weaknesses and strengths, I learned to manage all these conflicting feelings.

I decided to study and deepen all those techniques that before I had only put into practice in a confused and instinctive way and slowly I saw my goal shaping in front of me.

And this is also seen during the various collections, all with the same style but improved and outlined as you go on.

As I said before, nothing is lost and life knows when to re-present the opportunities and with the little experience gained during all this journey, I learned to accept even the part of me less insecure and with more awareness I returned to the works previously created, I gave him a name, a shape, a goal and in doing so slowly I started to see the pieces of my project take shape and everything before was just a pile of confused and fuzzy things was becoming clear.

At the beginning it was all very confused because I was confused; I don’t know if this is what I want to do in life, I just know that at the moment all I want to do is create art, for me, for the women I create, for all those who will feel inspired and part of my projects.